High School Epiphany
by AMovieEnding
Summary: Edward is a manic wallflower who wants only one thing...Bella Swan. Bella is a queen bee at Forks High School, but she might just care for Edward too. Can Edward overcome himself and the obstacles of life to finally get what he wants? EPOV/E&B/AH
1. Prologue

God the ceiling was white. I stared at the vast expanse above me, my eyes tracing around the recessed lighting and the lines where the ceiling met the walls. It was too early to be up on a Sunday morning. I wanted to sleep, I needed the sleep, but it evaded me. So here I was, awake at 5:30 a.m., staring at the perfectly pristine white ceiling. Perfect. Everything in the house fell under this description. Except for me. Maybe that's why I couldn't sleep. I secretly loathed myself so much that my subconscious wouldn't even allow me an escape. What was wrong with me?

"ha." I laughed out loud.

I knew exactly what was wrong with me. I wanted something I could never have. Or maybe I could have it, if I wasn't me. I had become a teenage cliché. My insides ached and my head was a mess, as I lay wishing that I could wake up one morning as something different.

My father Carlisle was the hero surgeon at our local hospital, which meant he was admired and revered in our community. My mother Esme, thanks to my father, had never worked a day in her life. She filled her time with PTA meetings, dinner parties and fawning over my sister, Rosalie. Ah Rosalie. She and my brother Emmett were fraternal twins. When you looked at the three of us, maybe even looked at our lives, it was clear that I was the odd man out. Emmett was the star quarterback on the football team. Girls went goo goo eyed for him, and every guy in school wanted to be him. He was more brawn than brains, but no one seemed to notice, or care. I guess it helped that he was charismatic. What a bastard.

And don't even get me started on Rosalie. As her brother it sometimes bothered me that every guy in school went rabid when she was around; but she was a total bitch sometimes, so I didn't always feel that bad when guys stared at her chest instead of her face. She and Emmett had been granted an all access pass to the palace of good looks and popularity. I hated to admit it to myself, but sometimes I was completely jealous. Not because I wanted to be the center of attention, and I preferred to be considered intelligent over vapid. But, being popular would give me better access to the one person I wanted to get close to.

Rosalie, of course, was on the cheerleading squad. As punishment for having a house party while mom and dad were on vacation she had gotten her car taken away for 3 months. The screaming and crying that followed that decision had nearly broken every window in the house. I was happy though, now, that my parents had endured hurricane Rosalie and stuck to their guns. Without a car Rosalie needed a ride everywhere. And since most of the other kids in our town couldn't afford their own car, mom had to pick her up from cheerleading practice. It was by fluke that I learned of the perk I got out of Rosalie's situation. I had gotten picked up from my best friend Jasper's house, the first day, and we stopped to get Rosalie on the way home.

Now I would take the ride everyday to pick her up. I would say that it was to get out of the house for a bit. That was a lie. I knew that when we pulled up to the curb Rosalie's best friend would be waiting with her. I would sit in the backseat, always with the explanation that Rosalie would be pissed if she couldn't sit in front. That was a lie, well, maybe not the pissed off part. But the motive was a lie. They would both get in the car, and for a few fleeting moments we would be in a close enough proximity for me to feel her warmth, to smell her scent. Her soft mahogany curls would hypnotize me, and the sporadic flashes of her chocolate colored eyes would set my insides on fire. She would sit just inches from me, never knowing that she was the girl that I had loved from afar since we were kids. She had no clue that while we sat so close I fantasized about taking her in my arms and making her mine. She was the girl whose face haunted me day after day. Hers was the face that kept me from sleeping in on a Sunday morning.

"Bella.." I whispered aloud.


	2. Chance Encounter

"Edward?" A soft voice found its way to me. There was a light knocking on my bedroom door.

I rolled out of bed and trudged across the cool wooden floor. The boards creaked softly beneath my feet as I made my way to my visitor. I unlocked the bedroom door and swung it open to reveal my mother in her pink bathrobe.

"Hi mom.." I said groggily.

"Are you okay, baby? I heard you talking in your sleep again last night." She brushed my cheek with her hand as a frown crossed her face. "I heard you tossing around this morning too. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine mom; you know I never sleep much."

"Yes, but it seems like you've been sleeping less and less lately. You need your rest! It's unhealthy for a boy of 17 to be sleeping so little." Her face was filled with concern. It was the only look my parents ever had when I was around. There was a large part of me that longed to be happy go lucky, that longed to be "normal," just so everyone would stop asking me what was wrong. Its not that I was miserable, it's just that I wasn't an extrovert like everyone else in the family. I was like a black sheep in a family of wolves. That's what the rest of them were, predators. They were intriguing, enticing, interesting, and the fact that they were all good looking sealed the deal. If any of my other family members walked into a room, everybody would pay attention. When I walked into a room nobody noticed. Hell, even my dad had the nurses at the hospital swooning. I wish I could make women swoon. Okay, maybe not women, but one woman in particular.

"Maybe we should take you to the doctor." She smiled weakly. She turned to go downstairs and motioned me to follow her.

"No mom, no more pills. The xanax is enough." I called quietly after her.

"But Edward.."

"No mom," I interrupted her. I knew what was going to come next. She would start with her usual rant. It would start with her talking about how concerned the whole family was about me, and would always end with her asking me why I didn't go out more, and why I didn't have any friends. The latter part wasn't even true. So maybe I didn't have a huge group of friends, but I had one friend, my best friend. Jasper and I had been inseparable since we were in diapers. Our mothers had even been friends during their pregnancies, so I guess you could say we we've been friends since the womb.

"Please, just let me be, mom. Maybe it's just over stimulation. I'll stop reading and playing video games before bed, that might help."

She frowned at me again, but sighed in defeat. She knew there was no arguing with me.

"You want coffee?" she asked.

I laughed. "You're worried because I can't sleep and now you're trying to caffeinate me?"

"Oh. Right" She shook her head and joined me in laughing.

I prowled around the kitchen until I found something to my liking. I sat down at the table and helped myself to an overly large bowl of cinnamon toast crunch.

It was just after 7 a.m., and the house was still quiet aside from the two of us in the kitchen. I stared out the windows as I ate. The trees had begun to sprout buds; spring was inching closer and closer. The sky had turned a light gray and it looked like it was going to be another lovely, overcast day in Forks.

I was lost in thought when I felt my mom nudge me.

"Where were you just then sunny boy?"

"Just daydreaming I guess." I slumped back in my chair and fiddled with my cereal.

"I'm going to the gym and then to the grocery store. Do you have any requests?"

I thought for a few moments.

"Can you get me some cranberry splash sierra mist if they still have it?" I shook the box of cereal, "Oh and some more cinnamon toast crunch."

"Of course." She kissed me lightly on the head and disappeared out of the kitchen.

I stared down at my bowl and swirled my spoon in the milk, creating and destroying patterns of cinnamon and sugar.

I had no plans for the day. But I knew that I needed to get out of the house, or else I would be crawling out of my own skin. Sundays were always like that. There was no cheerleading practice, which meant I couldn't get my fix, it made me anxious.

I hated that this was what my life had come to. I spent each day of school hoping for a glimpse of her in the hall. At the same time I would be wishing that the day would end, so I could have those few fleeting moments in the backseat. To anyone else the short ride would be an insignificant amount of time, but for those few minutes I felt like I had her all to myself.

God, what hell was wrong with me? Wasn't it usually the girl that sat around pining away for the man of her dreams? Doodling the initials of her and her beloved all over her notebooks and trapper keepers? I shouldn't be sitting here dreaming of the object of my affection, dreaming of holding her, miserable because I wasn't. I was a man, I was nearly 18. I should be out, sowing my wild oats or some shit. I'm sure if I were desperate I could find some random girl who would have me. But really, that's not what I wanted. I wasn't that type of guy.

"I'm sensitive." I sneered softly to myself. That's what my therapist had said. I was over emotional, and things effected me more than they would most people. This lead to the anxiety, which in turn lead to the xanax. I decided that I would give Jazz a call in a few hours to see what he was up to. I'm sure he would be able to figure out something to keep me occupied. Jazz actually had a car of his own, so we often would drive to random places, we would get lost in Washington.

I took a shower and got dressed quickly, hoping to avoid any interactions with Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett and I got along, but if there was anybody who made me feel like shit it was definitely Rose. She had confronted me one day, after a car ride home. She had noticed me staring at Bella in the reflection of her compact mirror. She laid into me, saying that I would never be good enough, that I was a loser, a nerd. She told me that Bella would never go for a guy like me, even if I was the last man on earth. But I knew she was wrong. Bella wasn't like Rose; she was friends with almost everyone at school. Of course I never had the guts to talk to her, or even go near her other then when we were in the car. But her eyes were kind and her voice was soft and warm. Yes she was a cheerleader, and she had even been homecoming queen, she was one of the all mighty. But I had seen a glimpse of the substance now and then; when her brown eyes caught my own green ones staring at her. They had depth, and I swore that she did too. If only I could have the chance to prove it.

I set out on the walk to Jazz's house without calling him. I was well aware that he would probably still be asleep, but I could hang in his room and watch television while he slept. It wouldn't be the first time. There were days when my own home felt alien to me. Some days it was just to clean and perfect. I felt more myself at Jazz's. His family was loud and crazy, and any time they ragged on each it was in jest, for fun. I stared at the ground as I walked, kicking pebbles along the way. I was halfway to Jazz's house when I heard a scream. It was a woman's cry, and it sounded pained. Not thinking I ran in the direction of the sound, and two blocks from my destination I found her. She was sprawled on ground, her pale skin glowing against the black pavement. The front tire on her bicycle was still spinning, and there were tears in her eyes. Her mouth hung open in disbelief as she stared at the ground. Her face and arms were scratched up, both her knees were bleeding.

"Bella?" I asked gently, "Are you okay?" In my mind I smacked myself in the forehead. Of course she wasn't okay. There was no response at first.

"Bella?" I asked again. The "l's" in her name rolled of my tongue, but the "a" got caught in my throat. I knelt down beside her and gingerly touched her shoulder. My heart skipped a beat, my insides were exploding, but I ached at the sight of her in pain. She held out her shaking hands to me, they were bloodied and covered in debris from the street.

"You look like you took a pretty bad spill." I said softly, "lets get you cleaned up." I moved her bike to the sidewalk and leaned down.

"Can I pick you up?"

She nodded.

I hesitated, my own hands now shaking, but then scooped her up into my arms and held her close. She was so small and fragile in my arms. I had the strongest urge to protect her, to keep her safe, the feeling was fierce. I hated the bicycle, the road, whatever had caused her to fall, to be in pain. I stared down at her face, despite the blood her scent was intoxicating. It took everything in me to not go weak in the knees.

She leaned her head against my chest and my heart immediately sputtered.

"I'm going to take you to my house, my dad is home, he'll take a look at you."

She clung to me gingerly, her hands obviously hurting.

"Thank you, Edward," she whispered.

And my heart melted.


	3. Nobody's Hero

I couldn't think of anything to say. I would probably never get an opportunity like this again, but my damn mind wouldn't stop racing long enough for me to form a coherent sentence. I was cradling the girl who contributed to my sleepless nights tightly in my arms, just wishing that I could be brave enough to take advantage of the situation. How stupid was I? Even if I could think of something to say she would probably think I was joking. Or a creep. I had said maybe three words to the girl in the ten plus years that she and Rosalie had been friends. If I suddenly went spouting off at the mouth about how much I wanted her she would probably freak out.

Surprisingly though, the silence wasn't awkward. It was actually nice to hear the sound of her breathing, it was comforting in a way. After a few minutes of focusing on the repetition of her breaths my thoughts began to slow. Soon my mind was quiet, and our breathing was beautifully in sync. I had to do something. We would be back to the house soon, and my opportunity would be over. I had been staring straight ahead through our procession so far, too scared to look at her face. I was too afraid that I would look down to find the same expression most people threw at me, the one that read "what a weirdo."

I took a deep breath and glanced down at Bella. I had planned on looking away as quickly as I had initially looked, but my eyes were caught by what they had found. She was staring at me, alright. But her face held no apprehension, no fear, no disgust. Her perfect pink lips were slightly parted; and there was a faint note of concentration, of thought, on her brow. Her eyes were fixed on my own now, and as I stared down at her it actually seemed like she was staring back at me…in awe.

"Do you want me to get down?"

Her voice was soft, but never the less, I was caught off guard when she spoke.

"no, I'm fine. You're not very heavy." The words must have been a garbled mess, because she stared at me with a puzzled look on her face.

"then why did you stop?" she asked.

At that moment I looked up, glanced to the right, to the left and then leaned over Bella to glance at the ground. Jesus Christ, just a few moments looking at her face and I had lost control of my own body without knowing it. Crap. What to say, what to say.

"er..uh..sorry, just wanted to adjust." I gently shifted her body enough to make my lie convincing. Her face was even closer to mine now. She sighed deeply and I felt her warm breath against my skin. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and the pace of my pulse quickened. I may have been a virgin, but I was still a man, and it was evident that she had caused me to truly loose control of my own body. I felt my face flush, despite the pooling of blood that was going on somewhere else, and went back to staring straight ahead. I took a deep breath and started walking again, praying that Bella wouldn't say anything else. I would just have to keep repeating the Preamble to the Constitution over and over in my head in hopes that a distraction would solve the problem.

"I really can walk, if you want, its not that much further."

Crap. Why couldn't she just stay quiet?

"NO!" I snapped, "uh, sorry, its just that..well..we're so close now. And your legs look pretty bad. I mean, NOT that your legs are ugly or anything. I meant, they look nice, er, soft..yeah.. I just meant your injuries.." I was a rambling idiot. A rambling idiot who she probably did not want carrying her now. But I couldn't put her down. She would take one look at my situation and..do something. How did girls react to that? I realized that I had no idea.

I expected her to immediately object to me carrying her any further, but she was silent. In spite of myself, I stole a glance and saw that she was looking away from me. At first I thought it was to hide her aversion to me, but after another stolen look I realized that she was blushing. Her cheeks were the loveliest shade of pink, deeper than that of her lips, but just as beautiful. And her lips, I noticed those again too. She was biting her bottom lip, and with that I knew that all hope of my excitement fading was out the window. I went back to staring straight ahead and quickened my pace, too.

I felt the asphalt change to gravel beneath my feet. I had never been more happy with the fact that our house was at the end of a short private road. At least now I could avoid the embarrassment of anyone passing by and seeing me in my current predicament. Actually, I would have rather had a stranger see me than a few certain people who I hoped would still be sleeping when we got to the house. I heard a car door slam and the murmur of voices in the distance. We rounded a curve in the road and the house came into view. Carlisle and Esme were outside unloading groceries, and I was sure this had to be the luckiest day of my life so far. As long as Rosalie and Emmett were nowhere to be seen than I still had a chance of surviving.

I was about to call out to my father when a finger pressed against my lips and Bella let out a low "Shh." I stopped dead in my tracks, startled by the feel of her skin on mine in such an intimate way.

"Edward?" she whispered. She didn't look up at me, but she removed her finger from my lips.

"Y-y-yes?" I stammered.

" why don't you ever talk to me?" she asked.

"what?" she wanted me to talk to her?

"we sit next to each other in the car everyday and you never say a single word to me, not even hello." her voice sounded genuinely sad at this, and even a little infuriated.

"I…I'm sorry?" I wasn't sure what to think. My mind was racing again. The preamble to the constitution hadn't helped , but at least the sudden turn of events had calmed me down.

"put me down Edward." she demanded.

I set her down gingerly and I heard her gasp lightly as she put weight on both her legs. I held my arms out, just in case she wavered, but after a few moments she seemed steady enough on her own.

She was so small; I was 6'1", she had no be no more that 5'4", but she put her hands on her hips and extended to appear as tall as possible as she looked up at me.

"listen, I've been friends with Rose for a long time. I don't understand why you treat me like I don't exist."

She was angry with me, I was so confused, but it was quite adorable nonetheless. I was taken aback though, by her accusation. How could she say that I treated her as if she didn't exist? Wait. Right. She had no idea that in my mind I worshipped her day in and day out. She had no idea that she was the object of my affection. But I had to protest, how could she accuse me when she was just as guilty herself?

"I don't treat you like that. You never say anything to me either, ya know." I shot back.

"No, I don't, because I gave up on that years ago. If you were around any time I came to see Rose I would always say 'Hi' or ask what you were up to. You would always mumble something I couldn't understand and then run out of the room like I had the freaking plague! Now we sit in the car, so close, but in silence. Sometimes I'll be looking at you..and you..you catch me. I smile, hoping that you'll get the hint, but you never do! I've tried. Now you put in some effort!"

She turned to storm off towards the house, put I heard the crunch of gravel under tires and managed to pull her out of the way in the nick of time. Jasper's car rounded the curve in the drive way and came to a stop next to us. I was still holding Bella's arm after pulling her out of the way of his car. Despite having the best of intentions, the reflection of her face in his passenger side window told me she still wasn't happy with me. I could see Jasper's face through the reflection of Bella and I, and before he rolled down his window I could've sworn he mouthed the words "What the hell?"

"Um..hey..guys..what's up? What uh, are you two doing?" He eyed my hand on her arm and I released my grip immediately, leaving both our arms to drop in unison.

"I was walking to your house and I saw Bella. She fell off her bike. I er, carried her here to have my dad take a look." Awkward.

"oh yeah, my _hero." _Bella added quietly_._

"you carried her?" jasper raised an eyebrow and looked at me like I was out of my mind.

"well, she was pretty bad, see?" I motioned to her knees and hands, all of which were still bloodied and dirty.

"oh crap, is that blood? Ugh, why would you show my that? I'm going to be sick." Jasper rolled up the window and drove off towards the house.

"what the hell was that?" Bella asked.

"Hey," I snapped. "don't talk about Jasper that way, he's a person too, you know."

She stared at me in disbelief.

"you're an ass sometimes, you know that Edward?" She shook her head, turned on her heal, and set off towards the house.

" I was talking about his reaction to the blood." She called over her shoulder.

"Oh. Well, Jasper can't stand the sight of blood, and he hates needles…" I trailed off. She wasn't hearing me anyway.

Jasper must have alerted the troops, because Rosalie came bounding towards Bella, asking if she was okay. My dad was close on Rosalie's heels, and before I knew it Bella was being swept up the driveway and into the house. Jasper ran past them to meet me where I stood, his eyes averted until he had surely avoided my beauty and her wounds. She didn't look back, but when Rosalie turned to shut the door she shot me a disgusted look, and mouthed something I couldn't make out. Something along the lines of "stay away from her, loser." The door slammed and I was left standing in the driveway , Jasper staring at me in question, my mind desperately trying to process what had happened.

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_**Reviews are always welcome!**_


	4. Ups and Downs

It had been nearly a week since I saw her last.

It was Friday afternoon, and I was sitting in English class, watching the second hand travel slowly around the face of the clock that hung above the blackboard. The last school day of the week was almost ever, I would be home soon, and safe. At home there was no risk of running into her. At home I wouldn't have to hide out in the bathroom and wait until the bell rang, getting to all my classes late, just to avoid passing her in the hallway. There was only twenty five minutes of class left, and I let my mind wander as Mr. Berty read from Romeo & Juliet.

After the "incident" on Sunday morning, I had spent the rest of the day at Jasper's house trying to make sense of what had happened. I laid on the floor of his room for most of the day, staring up at his ceiling, cream colored, more warm and welcoming than my own. I went through the story more times than I could count, replaying each scene, Jasper making mental notes of facial expressions and tone of voice. We still couldn't decipher the girl talk. It wasn't until Jasper's little sister, Alice, came prancing in the room with a grin on her face that we made any headway. She made herself comfortable, sitting on the floor, and looked down at me very matter-of-factly.

I smiled to myself as I thought about the conversation that had taken place. I glanced around the classroom quickly, making sure no one had noticed my temporary abandon. No one had. They were all to enthralled in love that probably never even existed. Honestly, I had never understood how the whole story of Romeo & Juliet had taken place over the course of two days. The idea that a mutual love that deep existed, well, it frightened me. It wasn't that I was afraid to love, but the chances that a person like myself could ever actually find it, that's what scared me. I shook off this melancholy thought long enough to flip my mind back to the channel playing the memory of Sunday.

There was Alice's pixie-like face, so close to mine, her eyes bright.

"I heard your little story." she said in her tiny voice.

"thanks for eves dropping, you little weirdo." Jasper snapped.

They spoke over each other in a flurry.

"get out." he said.

"I know what she was trying to say." she said.

I threw my hands up in the air, "STOP," I yelled. I glared at Jasper.

"shut up for a sec, okay?"

"fine, let the garden gnome speak, whatever you want." he grumbled.

I turned back to Alice, her small features glowing with thanks.

"you were saying?" I smiled at her.

"I think its pretty obvious," She smiled back but shook her head. "I don't understand why men are so blind. Think about what she said to you, that she got tired of trying to talk to you. She was going out of her way to try to start a conversation and you gave her nothing in return."

"so, everyone knows that Edward is pretty much socially handicapped, what's the big freakin' deal?" Jasper interjected, coming to my defense. Sort of.

"thanks." I added sarcastically.

"the big deal, THE BIG DEAL?" Alice got to her feet, all 4'll" of her infuriated for some reason. "If it turned out that you two were each born with only half a brain, I would not be the least bit surprised."

"hey." jasper and I said in unison.

Alice looked down at me, pointing a tiny slender finger in my face.

"SHE LIKES YOU, DUMBASS!"

"what?" jasper and I spoke in unison again, only his 'what' was much less excited than mine was.

I shot up from the floor, inconceivably, after having a proverbial ton of bricks dropped on me. My heart pounded against the walls of my chest, practically screaming out her name. I tried to speak, but I couldn't get my mouth to cooperate with my brain in order to form a coherent sentence.

"she? Me?" I pointed to myself. I had been reduced to a caveman, grunting and hand movements were all I could manage.

Alice closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose, clicking her tongue in between muttering something inaudible under her breath. She sighed deeply and opened her eyes, she looked less annoyed, but still slightly angry.

"you know, there would be a lot more happy endings in life if people would just open their goddamn eyes every once in awhile."

Jasper and I stayed quiet, he was watching her with one eyebrow raised, probably thinking of ways he could have her committed. I, on the other hand, continued listening, hanging to every word she said in attempting to explain the definitions that lay beneath the words Bella had spoken. All the while part of me was trying to fathom the idea that the beautiful creature I longed for could possibly want me back.

My face turned sour now. No one would notice that, it was the norm for me, so I went back to my thoughts. I thought about the days after Sunday. I stopped taking the ride to cheerleading practice immediately, not sure how to deal with Bella in such a close proximity anymore. It was the one thing that used to keep me sane, and I had gone a little crazy the past few days. I didn't want to avoid her, I wanted to see her, more than I felt was humanly possible. I couldn't bring myself to go to her, though. In the few days that had passed, the long nights had been addled by very little sleep. Sleeping very little had lead to a lot of extra time on my hands, which in turn lead to thinking, since nothing else that used to excite me seemed to hold much value anymore. I had come to several conclusions during my brain storms fueled by sleeplessness; and the fact that I had stopped taking my xanax so I could "feel" hadn't helped either. What I had learned was this: I was inept when it came to human emotion, human interaction. I was stone, and she wasn't. She was soft, warm and alive. I was tarnished, tainted, a fixer upper. I wasn't good enough. She deserved something better than me, what I was, or something better than I could ever be. I wanted to tell her everything, I just needed to find the right time, the right opportunity. At the very least I owed the girl an explanation. I wanted to be with her, but I could never be what she deserved. I wanted to cry.

Suddenly I was back in the classroom, and the shrill sound of the last bell of the day was ringing in my ears. I wiped my face to make sure nothing had leaked without me knowing. I was so wrapped up in the feelings left by my daydreaming that I grabbed my book and headed out of the room without thinking. It surprised me when I merged into the throngs of students exiting from the surrounding classrooms. I was caught in the exit flow from my own room, it was to late to turn back. I started to panic, my eyes frantically searching the corridor for any sign of the soft brown hair, the chocolate eyes.

"Watch it, you fucking fairy!"

The shouted words came from behind me, and at the same time I felt a sharp pain against my left side. I fell to the floor from the impact of the blow, my face hitting the cold tile as I landed. I could taste blood in my mouth and reached up to feel my lip already growing fat in addition to being sticky and warm. I looked up from the floor to see Mike Newton, the captain of the football team striding away while laughing and getting high fives from his fellow team mates. His left arm was wrapped around the shoulders of a girl, and I recognized the soft brown hair immediately. My heart lurched to a stop inside my chest as her sad eyes peered back at me over Mike's arm. The two disappeared out the door at the far end of the corridor. I continued to stare in disbelief, hoping that Bella would coming running back, that she would help me up, take care of me. She didn't. Instead I succumbed to the cold tile and rested my check against its surface. No one cared; they stepped around me, barely aware of my existence, like any other normal day.

I couldn't fight the tears that came now.

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	5. If I Only Had an Ally

There was a story written, about what happened to Oz after Dorothy left. Not many people know the second half of the tale, or care to learn the fate of her friends. I, however, stumbled upon the book by chance and read it out of curiosity. Sometimes, when a life, or place, is touched by someone so special, things can never be the same again. No matter how hard you may try to ignore the mark that has been left, or rebuild the things destroyed in their absence, you just…can't. Before I acknowledged my feelings for _her_ I had been going through life like the Tin Man, fairly certain that my heart was nonexistent or at the least non functioning. But just as Dorothy had helped the Tin Man, so had _she_ helped me discover the thing I was missing. And now I knew for certain that all along, within my chest, there had been a beating heart; because I was sure that I had felt it break.

"thh…" I sucked in air between my gritted teeth as my mother gingerly placed an ice pack against my mouth.

"Sorry, baby, I know it hurts. It's too late to prevent swelling - and you might be black and blue tomorrow - but the ice will make it feel better, I promise." She took my hand from my lap and placed a towel in it, before moving it to hold the ice pack. She kissed me lightly on the forehead and then went about disposing of the tissues and antiseptic swabs she had cleaned my wound with.

"I still can't believe you managed to fall down the stairs at school," she called over her shoulder. "And the fact that no one helped you…" she shook her head and clicked her tongue. "My poor baby," she sighed.

"I'w be okay," I mumbled from behind the ice pack. "was affer school... No one aroun..." I could barely move my lips to speak, and the words came out as if I were just learning to talk. She was right though, the stinging of my swollen lips began to subside, yet the stinging I felt inside continued to linger. I had managed to compose myself long enough to make it home without crying, and hadn't shed a tear since I walked in the door. I refused to let on how much I was really hurting, or to tell my mother what had really gone on. If I had told her the truth I would never hear the end of it; and there was also no way in hell that I wanted to risk getting anywhere close to telling her about Bella.

_Bella_. The internal sting intensified at the mere thought of her name. As the image of her swirled through my mind the sting slithered through my body, eventually settling wholly in my chest. I felt the pain coil around my splintered heart, like emotional barbed wire, stabbing at the pieces that lay in ruin.

The one good thing I could have had in my life, even the dream of it, was no more. She had looked at me with sad eyes, as I lay on the floor, covered in my own blood. Yet, she had done nothing. If Alice had been right, if Bella did truly have feelings for me, then why would she do such a thing? I could only come to the conclusion that Alice had been wrong, and that I had been a fool. I was merely a passing annoyance in Bella's life, a lingering smudge on a mirror that refused to go away, despite repeated cleaning. Her words from the fateful Sunday echoed in my head, but I shook them lightly away. She didn't want me, and I would have to learn to no longer want her.

I laughed lightly at myself as I thought about the fact that I had wanted to tell her how I felt. Yes, I would have also told her that I wasn't good enough for her, that she deserved better, but still - in my heart of hearts I had hoped that she would tell me that our differences didn't matter. I had hoped that she would love me, the way that I longed to love her.

I could already hear Jasper's words in reaction to the day's events: "fuck her. She's a stuck up bitch. You think you don't deserve her…HELL NO! That bitch doesn't deserve you."

He would be attempting to make me feel better, but even putting the words in his mouth myself got me angry at him. Why did I stop taking my goddamn xanax? I tried to think if I had any pills stashed anywhere.

My concentration was broken by the slamming of the front door.

"Holy shit, where the fuck is Edward?' Emmett called.

Fuck. I hadn't figured my siblings into the lies that I had told to my mother.

"Watch your mouth Em! We're in here." My mother called back.

Emmett appeared in the kitchen doorway, flustered, his face red and his clothes askew.

He stared at me with a wicked look in his eyes, a devilish grin on his face.

"Now what happened to you?" my mother threw her hands up in the air and rushed towards my brother.

"I'm fine mom," he waved her off. "I had to take care of something for Edward." A wild grin spread across his face, and he suddenly looked very pleased with himself.

"I don't understand." My mother looked back and forth between us. "what do you mean?"

I stared at Emmett, internally screaming at him to not say anything, wishing that he would suddenly be able to hear my thoughts. He didn't seem to notice my glare, and he certainly didn't hear me.

"well you know," he shrugged and nodded towards me. "look what Mike Newton did to him."

Fuck. My eyes found my mother's face, and I watched as the color slowly drained from it.

"I thought…" she whispered, "I thought you feel down the stairs." She turned to look at me, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

"Shit," Emmett muttered, "sorry man, I didn't think." He frowned and came to sit down at the kitchen table with me.

"Edward, I want to know the…" I held up my hand to silence my mother's question. I stared at Emmett, unsure of how to feel. He had never stood up for me before, hell, he hardly seemed to acknowledge my existence most of the time.

"Wha happen..?" I mumbled from behind the ice pack.

Emmett's eyes dropped to his hands, which lay on the table, his fingers tapping nervously against the wood. "I know.." his voice was rough as he began, he cleared his throat and continued on, "that I haven't always been the older brother that I should be."

I rolled my eyes and leaned back in my chair. "thas a damn unnerstaymen."

"I know, and I'm…I guess I should really start this by saying…I'm sorry, Edward." He looked up at me, the look in his eyes sincere, something I had seen so few times, but clearly recognized now.

"Em.." my mother joined us at the table, but before she could get a word in, Emmett's finger was against his lips.

"shhh…please mom," he put his hand out to her, "let me speak."

She nodded quietly and settled into her chair.

Emmett's eyes drifted out the window, and his brows crushed together as he began to retell the events of the afternoon.

"I went to football practice as usual. I was last to the locker room like always, because I was off well..thats not important.." he shook his head lightly. "But anyway, when I got to the locker room I see a bunch of the guys gathered around the chalkboard, you know, where we draw out our plays. So they're laughing and acting like asses, so I go over to see what they're going on about, you know, I'm wondering 'what the hell?' and as I get closer I hear them say you're name. "

He turned to face me as he finished his sentence, his features once again tinged red.

"I heard them making fun of you, talking about how you loved Bella, that you were a fucking creeper, a fag, a loser; and then I heard Mike talking about how he had given you what you deserved."

"Bella?" my mother whispered in question.

The barbed wire tightened twice, once at each mentioning of her name.

"nah now, mom." I replied.

Emmett shook his head and chuckled, "are you blind mom? Eddie's had a thing for Bella since they were kids! Its pretty obvious!"

I froze in horror. How had he known? Was I truly that transparent?

"Its okay bro," he said softly. "We'll deal with that later, so just let me finish," he glanced back and forth between my mother and I, "okay you two?"

We both nodded.

I was surprised to see Emmett's hands clench into fists as he readied himself for the rest of the story.

"So I get to where the guys are standing, and it was like they didn't even realize that you're my fucking brother. They all are telling mike that he needs to start the story over so that I can hear the whole thing. And you know what's funny? The mother fucker DOES. He told me exactly what he did! I stood there listening, and something inside of me snapped as he went on. All I could see was his smug face, and then it was like tunnel vision directly to his mouth. Everything went slow motion around me, and as he went to finish his story with "fucking fairy" my fist landed right against his jaw."

"WHAT?" I stood up from the table, my ice pack slapping against the floor.

"Emmett, how could you?" My mother looked and sounded horrified.

I was in awe. I sat back down slowly and looked directly at my brother.

"You..you punched mike in the face..for me?"

"Actually it was a little bit more than that. After the punch he fell to the ground…I may have kicked him," he shot a glance at my mother, "er…lightly. I may have also spat on him and told him to never fuck with you again." A smile crossed his face, and he looked completely satisfied with himself.

My mother cleared her throat loudly, and both Emmett and I turned to find her completely flustered, wringing her hands. "And what about school? Did you get in trouble? What about your teammates, what did they think of all this? Oh Emmett, I don't want the Newton 's calling here, asking about their son!"

"mom, chillax." Emmett leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. "I didn't get in trouble, I did get suspended from practices for a month, but I can still play in any games that are scheduled. As for my teammates, they all cheered..Mike Newton is a DICK. And P.S.- if he does go running home crying to mommy and daddy, he's an idiot. There are plenty of people who would help me kick his ass again. That's not going to happen though, he punched Edward in the ribs first, he deserved what he got."

I heard my mother gasp as the feet of her chair scraped the floor.

"Let me see!" She demanded, her hands on her hips as she stood above me.

I got up slowly from my chair, both of them waiting in anticipation to see what had been left behind. I grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled it off, my side aching as I lifted my arms above my head.

"Oh Edward.." my mother cried out softly. Tears welled up in her eyes.

"Damn Edward, I am so glad I kicked that bastard too." Emmett shook his head.

"That bad?" I asked.

The look on their faces answered my question.

I ran out of the kitchen and up to my room. I slammed the door behind me, though I heard their footsteps closing in. I stared at myself in the mirror. My lips were huge and swollen, the skin around my bottom lip was already turning a shade of blue. I turned around and looked over my shoulder at the reflection of my back. There, on my left side, was a large bruise making its way towards the surface. I moved closer to the mirror and stared in disbelief.

I walked to my bed on autopilot, laid down, and closed my eyes just as my mother and Emmett knocked on my bedroom door.

"Come in." I whispered weakly.

"Bro, are you okay?" I opened my eyes to find Emmett's face above mine.

"No." I whispered. I wasn't sure if I would ever be okay again.

"I'll be here for you. I promise, from now on, things are going to be different."

I sat up to find both of them staring, their faces doused in worry.

I walked back to the door and shut it again. I turned and faced them both and took one more look over my shoulder at my reflection in the mirror on the back of the door. I stared at the bruise, the mark that had been left on me.

The tears ran down my face as I turned back and stood staring at them.

I choked through the tears.

"Why the fuck did it have to be shaped like a goddamn heart?"

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_**Reviews are always welcome!**_


	6. Stellar

**_A/N:_ I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who has been reading HSE. This is my first fic, and I really appreciate anyone who takes the time out to read it. Now that the holidays are done with I hope to have my updates done a bit quicker, sorry for making you wait for this one!**

**_P.S._.Of course, I don't own twilight, SMeyer does. But I wish I did, because then I wouldn't have to toil away the day in a cubicle anymore.**

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I didn't know what I was doing.

There was a girl straddling me, and we were kissing, but I could hardly remember how we had gotten to this point. For a moment I left my own body, she continued to kiss me, but my mind was somewhere else - struggling to put together the pieces of the evening. Tried as I might, I could only remember showing up to the house party with Emmett, him managing to have a fresh drink for me every time I finished one, and now sitting on this maroon couch with some random girl on top of me.

The girl.

I brought myself back to the couch and opened my eyes. Her face was too close, and the room too dim to distinguish who she was and whether or not she was pretty. Not that looks mattered, but she was probably good looking. The parties that Emmett frequented were filled with the beautiful popular kids from school and popular graduates who went to college nearby. Thanks to my new found camaraderie and friendship with Emmett no one had even questioned my appearance here. I had cut school the whole week, but I wondered what it would be like to go back on Monday. I couldn't miss anymore class…and pretty soon the phone calls home would start, questioning my attendance. I wondered if the girl on top of me was older, maybe someone that already graduated. If rumors spread about me making out with a college chick then surely my reputation would change at school. Having Emmett on my side now wouldn't hurt either. He had relayed news to me, during the week while I was at home. No one even talked about his beat down of Mike Newton, and Mike himself had proceeded with life as if the event in the locker room hadn't occurred. No one said another ill word about me, either. He spared my feelings by never mentioning the one name that would tear open the wounds that had barely started to scab over. I was thankful for it. I had spent the week transitioning back onto my anti depressants and sneaking rum from my dad's liquor cabinet just to help me forget. I wanted to never think about her eyes, her hair, the way her body moved, or the musicality of her voice. I didn't want to be haunted by the curve of her lips when she smiled, or the appeal of her collarbones when she wore a tank top. I would see her in school, that was unavoidable, but when I did, I wanted to be immune. I was at the point were I would rather be numb than be in constant pain. I rarely experienced a moment of happiness in my life, so I wouldn't be missing anything if I just turned my emotions off. Life was cruel and unforgiving, so what was the difference if I acted that way towards myself.

After all, wasn't it always the complete asshole, the total dick, that ended up with the girl? They never wanted the nice, sensitive guy. Girls always wanted the guy who treated them like shit. I could be a monster too. I would stop worrying about my feelings, about the feelings of others. I would do whatever I wanted, without thinking. That was what everyone else seemed to do anyway.

I peaked at the girl once more. I must've have spoken to her first, or had we just started making out? I wished I could remember, and I wondered what we might have talked about.

Her mouth tasted like cheap beer. Cheap beer and menthol cigarettes, but at the same time it was warm and inviting. Her lips and tongue seemed excited to be mingling with mine, so I focused and did my best to respond the same way. My tongue crossed the threshold of her mouth and I grabbed her ass in both of my hands, crushing her body against mine. At this she seemed to go into a frenzy. Her hands groped at my crotch, and the room began to spin. She was still kissing me, as the fingers on her one free hand wove into the hair at the back of my neck. I felt myself hardening beneath her. I ran my hands up her back, and started pulling at her hair. My heart was pounding in my chest and ears as she began to grind in my lap. Suddenly all I could feel was sickness churning in my stomach. A burning slowly crept up my throat and I pulled away from her to let an internal burp pass. It tasted like whiskey and coke, the mixed drink that Emmett had been getting me all night.

I stared at the girl's face for a moment, and in dim light of the spinning room, I saw Bella before me. My heart began to race, faster than I ever thought was possible. I fought the nausea and threw my arms around her body, pulling her close once more. Our lips crashed together and my hands flew over ever inch of her body. I tucked my hands under her ass once more, and stood from the couch. The room did a forward flip, but somehow I was still standing, holding Bella in my arms. All that I had thought to myself over the past week, all the thing things I had whispered aloud; about never wanting her again, never thinking of her, all of it was spiraling down a drain. The faulty walls I had tried to build, came crashing down. A flood of warmth now accompanied my racing heart, rushing into every appendage. I loved her, I would never be able to trick myself into thinking otherwise, and at this moment I wanted her with every fiber of my being.

I felt her push against me then, and she managed to wriggle free from my hold. She smiled up at me, her chocolate eyes swimming with mischief. I felt her fingers weave into mine, and suddenly we were running, her pulling me, through a sea of empty faces, and up a set of hard to handle stairs. We stumbled and laughed, kissing with each mistake of our feet. She leaned back against the first door we came to, and pulled me towards her by the collar of my shirt. She stared up at me through her long lashes, her eyes on fire now, and bit her lip. My heart was sure to burst. My blood was boiling. My pants were practically screaming in pain, in retaliation for the torturous stretching they were being put through. My brain wanted her, my heart wanted her…and there was no doubt that my body wanted her. My penis, my dick, my cock, was harder than it had ever been after a daydream of her. She inclined her head towards the door and put her hand on the knob, her eyes questioning me as she did. I nodded and leaned into her as the door swung open. I caught her in my arms and kicked the door closed behind us.

The room was dark, other than the light of the moon pouring in from a wide window on the opposite wall. Bella pushed me towards the bed and sat me down. The darkness made the spinning of the room surreal. I was in a Dali painting, I saw only shapes in the background, nothing definite or finite and all of it seemed to be melting together. The only thing I could see for certain was her, and she was beautiful. I moved on instinct, my hands were under her shirt, flat against her belly. I ran them up and over her bra, taking her shirt with it. I threw it into the dark madness. I leaned forward and kissed her stomach, the skin soft beneath my lips. I was a virgin, but somehow, I knew exactly what I wanted to do to her, with her. I kissed a line up to the black lace of her bra, I stared up at her face and she smiled down at me, her hands working swiftly to unclasp the prison to her breasts. She took a step back, and suddenly her skirt was gone. She was naked. I leaned back and admired her for a moment, her body slightly glowing in the moonlight. She was perfect, as I had always suspected, always dreamed. Her skin was pale, peaches and cream, and her body was athletic but soft at the same time. Her dark hair fell around her, like a curtain to a glorious show.

"Beautiful," I whispered.

She stepped back to me and pulled my t-shirt over my head. I caught her breasts in my hands as my arms fell, and began to kiss each one, making circles around her nipples. Her chest heaved beneath my mouth, and I heard her breathing accelerate as I began to suck lightly at her left nipple. Her hands moved through my hair, down my back. Her fingers briefly made a detour, circling around the place where my yellowing bruise existed. She moved away and leaned around me to kiss the spot lightly. My mouth then went back to work, as did her hands, moving around my waist. Her fingers fluttered around the button fly on my jeans and I lifted myself slightly off the bed, fighting to keep myself steady as she slid my pants off.

And then we were both naked.

She pushed my face away from her chest, and pushed me back against the bed. I lay there, staring up at the goddess, a ravenous look in her eyes now, as she stared back at me. She inched towards me, but I threw my hands up, in surrender, but in caution as well.

"I…I just w-want you to know-w," the words were slurred and stuttered, "that…I…I…I'm a virgin."

She smiled down at me and shook her head. She crawled over me and kissed me, as she straddled my body. I felt the heat of her sex against me, and I crushed my mouth furiously against hers. Her one hand pressed into my shoulder as her other made its way down my chest, and across my stomach. I moaned as her fingers wrapped around my dick and could hardly breath as her fisted hand began to slowly move up and down.

"do you want me?" she asked in a whisper. I hardly recognized her voice, it was sultry and even in a whisper it dripped with the sound of sex.

"m-more then you-could ever, ever, fucking know." I whispered back, my speech still slurred.

She smiled down at me again, and in one liquid movement she lowered herself onto me. Everything before my eyes went red, black, stars. The heat of her, feeling her from the inside, as she moved up and down…it was as if every sensitive cell that existed in my body was now there, inside of her. For some reason, this being the first time, was nothing like how I had been forewarned it would be. I had perfect control over my dick, for I was it and it was me, and all I wanted was for this to last forever. And suddenly I was ravenous too, I sat up beneath her and threw her off me, onto the bed. I pounced on her, the hunted becoming the hunter, and took her so that both her legs were vertical resting against my body. I touched her as I moved in and out of her, a tip I had learned from being a teenage boy with a computer. She threw her head back as I did this, so I knew she approved.

She was the perfect drug, and being with her like this was almost as if I had taken the hit that lead to an overdose. It was chaotic and perfect, perfect and chaotic. The blackness, the red, and the stars all intensified as I continued to thrust deeper and deeper into her. She moaned and writhed beneath me, her hands clawing at my chest, my stomach. The colors, the shapes, the sounds, her face, her body…all of it began to swirl together, now spinning with the room. I continued to try focus only on her, in the ecstasy. I got lost in the rhythm, though, and suddenly she was moaning and crying out beneath me like a rabid animal, her nails digging into my arms. Her legs convulsed and I realized that she was having an orgasm. The sudden knowledge that I had pleased her sent a shockwave through me, and suddenly I was moaning too, my body erupting from a solitary point, convulsing against her. She pulled herself up against me, as my thrusts began to slow, and we shook together. Our breathing was labored, but she kissed me deeply one last time, and as I got lost in her kiss everything went dark.

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_Leave a review, because if you don't then you'll make the baby angels cry._


	7. There's Got to be A Morning After

**A/N: Sorry this update has taken so long! I just want to thank everyone who has been reading, and especially thank everyone who has reviewed!**

**And of course, I don't own twilight, just a life size cardboard cut out of Edward Cullen.**

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I didn't want to wake up from the amazing dream I was having, but distant noises were lulling me from sleep. I could just make out the murmur of voices coming from somewhere in the house. The clinking of cans and bottles told me that it was Sunday and that my mother and father were probably separating the recycling in the kitchen. As I became more cognizant I also became aware of a sharp pounding in my head. I tried to ignore the annoying pain, hoping that I could fall back to sleep and get back to the dream I had been having. I sighed deeply as visions of Bella and I swirled through my thoughts. Shit, there went the promise I had mad to myself to forget her. Suddenly the pain shifted to the forefront of my mind, overriding the fantasy and I couldn't ignore the thumping of my own heartbeat, now ringing in my ears. I groped for my nightstand, where I knew there would be aspirin in the drawer, but my hand found nothing. I opened my eyes, confused by not only the lack of furniture, but by the colors before my eyes. The influx of filtered light instigated my headache onto another level, and my eyes fought to focus. Purple. Pink. What the fuck. I pulled the blanket from off my head and was accosted by sunlight pouring in through a window that I did not recognize. I was laying on my side, and in combination with surroundings I didn't know, I was completely disoriented.

I sat up slowly and my feet touched the unfamiliar coolness of a wood floor. I gasped as I stared around the room, the eyes of the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus judging me. The pink walls were plastered with posters of pre-teen heroes, and everywhere I looked my eyes were assaulted by and overabundance of girly accoutrements.

"Where the hell am I?" I whispered.

I was startled by the soft moan that came from behind me then. I glanced over my shoulder, did a double take, and proceeded to fall off the bed and onto the floor. I stood up spastically, at which point I realized I was naked, and stared down at the bed in disbelief. It hadn't all been a dream, it had been an amazing reality. She was laying on her stomach, her face towards the opposite wall. A Hannah Montana comforter was wrapped about her waist, leaving the porcelain skin of her back exposed, her now matted waves flowing over her skin like an ocean tide. Her hair looked different than I remembered, and I wondered if she had dyed it. Still, it was beautiful.

I started to hyperventilate and my heart started to race, while trying to remember how I had ended up wherever I was, with the girl of my dreams. I pulled at my hair, hoping that somehow this would stimulate my mind into bringing my memories back. I breathed as deeply as I possibly could, trying to cure the asthma attack I was clearly having. I hadn't had an asthma attack in so long that I had stopped carrying my inhaler; I cursed myself between labored breaths for being so stupid.

After a few moments of concentrating I was able to regulate both my breathing and my heartbeat. Though my head was still pounding I was better than I had been. And then I thought about the fact that I had slept with the girl I had wanted for most of my life. My heart began to race again.

"Think, think, think," I whispered to myself, as I began to pace slowly across the floor. I watched her as I moved, hoping that I would not wake her, not until I figured the situation out. How had this happened? Not that I wasn't happy, I mean, this could be the start of everything I ever wanted. Although I would have preferred that my first night with Bella be a bit more lucid, I couldn't complain. Actually, when I really stopped to think about it, I was on top of the world. Clearly we had spent the night together, and from what I could remember of what I thought was mostly a dream, it had been a very good night indeed.

As I continued to think, scenes from the night before flashed into my mind. The pictures were unclear, it was more like looking at reflections in a pool of water. I started to fit together the sloppy pieces, working with what little I could recall.

Right, so this was Tyler Crowley's house. His family had gone away without him for the weekend, and Emmett had dragged me here for a house party in the hopes that it would cheer me up. Then what? I thought for a few moments. Ah yes, whiskey and coke. I could remember my drink of choice, or rather, force, from the night before. I licked my teeth. Actually, I could still taste it a bit too, and it made me nauseous to think of how many cups of the stuff I had imbibed.

So obviously the drinking had somehow led to this. I fought with myself for a few moments, trying to decide if I should wake her or not. Maybe Bella would have more pieces of the night, but maybe she would wake up to my face and realize that this had been a mistake. Maybe she would be horrified by what had happened. My low self esteem couldn't handle a reaction like that, could I live through the disgusted look her face might have?

"No," I whispered to myself, shaking my head. This was meant to happen, I thought. It was fate.

I was too lost in my own thinking to hear anyone, but the bedroom door suddenly burst open, and I scrambled to cover my naked self, grabbing the nearest thing I could.

"DUDE!" Emmett cried out, a smile crossing his face. He had obviously spent the night too. His clothes were worse for the wear and his short hair, normally gelled into a faux hawk, had turned to fluff.

Bella stirred at the sound of his cry. I heard her whisper, "oh shit," and she proceeded to disappear under the comforter. I watched as Emmett's eyes grew wide upon realization of what had happened. He then glanced back and forth between me and the mound of girl in the bed.

"Holy shit, dude," he mouthed.

"I know," I mouthed back.

"Gonna head home in about 15 minutes," he whispered. He made a face and a snickered, "so you might want to get dressed, or were you planning on wearing that Jonas Brothers pillow home?"

I glanced down and realized that I had grabbed the worst possible thing to cover my crotch. I couldn't help but laugh a little myself.

"I'll be down in a few," I nodded towards the bed, "I just gotta…um…"

"Gotchya, bro," he winked. "see ya downstairs…" his voice trailed off as he shook his head and disappeared out the door, shutting it behind him.

As soon as the door closed I scrambled to find my clothes. I found my shirt first, and then my pants under the end of the bed; I quickly dressed so that I could get to the task at hand.

I sat gingerly on the bed, watching the rising and falling of the mound, just listening to her breathing set my heart on fire. I touched her back lightly, and leaned over, my whole body yearning to see her face.

"Hey," I whispered.

I felt her body stretch out beneath my hand and I my heart swelled within my chest. She sighed softly and pulled the comforter down, a smile on her face.

"Hey," she whispered back.

There was nothing I could say. My heart had stopped beating inside my chest, and I was no longer breathing. I was frozen, past absolute zero, so brittle that I was sure to disintegrate into a million shards of my former self at any moment. The eyes were familiar, the mouth, the hair, I knew them; but they didn't belong to her, to Bella. My own mind had turned on me, had made me a victim of my overwhelming desire. It had been a mere illusion, or perhaps a delusion; a fantasy crafted by my own subconscious hands and fueled by an unhealthy mix of medication, alcohol and borderline obsession.

The sudden shock I went into must have been visible on my face, or maybe even tangible in the air.

"Are you okay?" She asked, her hand reached out from under the comforter and brushed my cheek.

"I..I feel a little ill…" I stammered, my voice as brittle as I felt.

"Well, we did have a lot to drink last night…" she smiled at me and began to twist a piece of comforter in her hands. "You can go if you want…I won't force you to stay and talk to me, especially if you feel like you're going to be sick."

She wanted to talk to me? I felt myself thaw just a little.

"Nah, I'll be okay. I do have to meet Emmett downstairs in a few minutes though, or else I'll be walking home." I could at least try to be civil. Plus I was intrigued by the fact that she didn't seem repulsed to have woken up to me.

"I could always give you a ride, ya know. My car is here." She bit her lip after speaking, in a way that reminded me of someone else.

"Um..yeah, erm…I guess that could work too," I stared at the floor. I was so socially awkward sometimes that I couldn't stand it. "Um, I'll go let Emmett know.." I tried to get up from the bed but her hand caught my arm. I sat back down and watched as she chewed at her lip again.

"Edward…can I ask you something?"

"Hmm?" was the best reply I could give.

She crawled out from under the blanket and into my lap. I could feel the warmth radiating from her naked body as her arms coiled around my neck. She stared into my eyes, and I stared back, unsure of what to make of her movement. Her cheeks blushed and she nuzzled her face into my shoulder. The closeness was not completely uncomfortable, but this wasn't right, this wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be Bella, and Bella and I were supposed to end up together.

"Edward," she murmured into my shoulder, "last night was unexpected, I mean…in a good way. I know that at school I've never been that friendly, but I have always thought you were pretty hot. I like the way you seem to not care what people think of you, anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've kind of had a crush on you for awhile, I was just too nervous to say anything. it's the reason I pretty much made a beeline for you when I saw you last night…I don't think last night was a mistake, do you?"

Her statements and question caught me off guard. She had a crush on me? A crush. _On me? _I never thought that I had that affect on anyone. To know that the girl had sort of been pining over me made me thaw even more.

Did I think last night was a mistake? I thought for a few moments, pulling the loosened pieces of myself tighter together. So she wasn't Bella, but maybe….just maybe, she was or she could be what I needed. Though I had experienced a dramatic lapse in judgment on my ability to control on my feelings for Bella, perhaps in time I could learn to moderate them. I could treat last night like another wound, to an already bruised and broken body, or I could look at it as something that would help me heal. I could compartmentalize, store my feelings for Bella in a convenient file, and then put that file away for safe keeping. I wouldn't try to ignore it like I initially had tried to do, because obviously that had backfired, but refer to it when I felt the need. A need. We all had needs, but I had a longing, a deep desire, the fiercest need to be loved and to love in return.

A light switch flicked on within me then. If Bella would not have me, if I could not have her, than it was stupid of me to stop living. Of course, I could never tell Jessica that I had been picturing her as someone else, but maybe I owed it to myself to see where she and I could go. Even from the most desolate beginnings can hope bloom.

Moving on spontaneity alone I took her face in both my hands and stared into her eyes for a moment. Her own eyes were confused as they searched my face, seeming to look for an answer to her question. I smiled at her and then let my eyes wander over her. She was beautiful, and any man that caught her attention should consider themselves lucky. Her eyes were a lighter brown, closer to amber and her hair was a rich brown with just a hint of red to it. A smattering of freckles crossed her cheeks, and as I examined her face closely I suddenly found them completely adorable. I kissed her then, unable to stop myself, working on added curiosity. Surprisingly, it wasn't awkward. Her mouth responded to mine eagerly, and her hands wove their way into my hair. I felt my body respond to her, and I realized that even without my mind playing tricks on me, there was still a connection.

I pulled my mouth from hers, and leaned my head against the smooth skin of her chest. I had made my decision.

"No, Jessica," I breathed, "I definitely don't regret last night at all."

"Good." she sighed. "This might seem kind of backwards, since we've already slept together, but do you think you…I dunno…maybe want to go out sometime?" She hopped off my lap and began to search the room for her clothes. It was odd, I couldn't help but think that she was avoiding looking at me, giving herself busywork, in case I was going to reject her.

"How about tonight?" I asked as I watched her dress. Her body was flawless, even in the harsh light of day. I was mesmerized by her fluid movements, there was rhythm even in the simplest task, and it was clear to me why she had been made head cheerleader.

"Wait," I jumped from the bed and took her in my arms before she could answer. "Let's go to breakfast, or lunch, or whatever time it is…we'll go out for the appropriate meal, right now…" As long as I was going to try this, I might as well put my all into it.

"I would really like that." she smiled up at me.

I took her small hand in mine, and our fingers automatically intertwined. Together, linked, we headed downstairs to find Emmett. I couldn't wait to see the look on his face. I was about to ditch him to go out with Jessica Stanley. Me…and the head cheerleader…the world had most definitely gone mad.

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_**Reviews...you know I love em!**_


	8. Crossroads and Catalysts

**HELLOOOO....its been awhile. Sorry about that everyone, I had major life implosion issues. This update has been a long time coming, but I am so happy to be back to writing. This is my first completed chapter since some horrible stuff went down in my life, and it has been majorly uplifting. Again, so sorry about the wait...hope it was worth it. I hope to get this updated more quickly in the future...love and kisses ~ amovieending...**

**Oh, and P.S..i still don't own twilight, S to the MEYERS does.... but i wish i did...because then i would have a ton of money, and i could have my soon to be ex husband plastered on a billboard in times square with a big label that says "i'm an asshole"**

**yes ma'am.**

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I lowered my eyelids slowly, and then squeezed my eyes shut as closed as they would go, with all the force I had. I was afraid to open them again, despite knowing full well that the current situation was in no way a bad dream, and that I would still be sitting in the same place when I did. I peaked out of my right eye, and found the cheap tan tile I had been staring down at a few moments ago once again assaulting my line of vision. I sighed deeply in concession and opened my eyes completely. How long was this going to take? I had been tapping my foot nervously against the floor for nearly a half hour, and had counted nearly all the flowers on the row of generic office seats on the opposite side of the room.

I let my eyes wander around the small waiting room once again, in hopes of finding something new to stare at, something to distract myself completely from the impatient feeling that was roaring inside of me. The girl behind the reception desk glanced wearily at me now and again, her eyes filled with questions. She looked familiar and had probably gone to Forks High, but instead of being polite and greeting her I would glare back, dying to tell her to mind her own business, despite her not having said a word. I felt like my old self again, the me before Jessica, as I thought of giving the receptionist a verbal lashing. It was hard to comprehend the changes that had taken place since we had gotten together. My world had opened up kaleidoscopically since that first night, and most days I was left in beautiful awe.

I gave up searching for a focal point in the room and closed my eyes once again. I leaned my head back against the wall and slid down in my seat, letting my mind wander over the all that had lead up to this moment. The past five weeks had been absolute bliss, but the good times had been given over to the current predicament. Here I was now, on the verge of a Friday night clichéd sitcom moment. There was no way this was going to be solved in half an hour though, not if it went the way Jessica was sure it would. I had no idea what we were going to do if our biggest fears became reality. But in my heart of hearts I had fallen in love with the girl, to the best of my ability, in the only way I could love someone who wasn't Bella.

With Jessica in my life I had been able to successfully compartmentalize the portion of me that would always belong to Bella, and stow it away for safe keeping. I hardly had a moment to think of her, but if I did the aching and throbbing in my chest was infinitely less painful than it had been. Though I knew I would always want Bella in some way, shape or form; I had come to realize that she had been an addiction. She was like a drug designed specifically for me and I had become a weak man, desperate for even an ounce of her love. Where she was the device and the disease, Jessica had become the antidote, the very cure I needed. If Bella had asked me to walk to hell and back for her, while giving me nothing in return…I probably would have done it. With Jessica it was different. If I was walking to hell and back at all she would be probably be walking right beside me, telling me would make it the whole way.

It had become easy for me to avoid Bella too, as I worked my way through the school halls or sat in the cafeteria. I was either at Jessica's side or Jasper's, and each of them made it possible to tune out everything around me. Through a trickle down of chatter, she and Jessica were still on the cheerleading squad together, I knew that she and Mike Newton were still together and that she had applied to NYU. As much as it pained me to think of her in his arms, as much as it tore at me to wonder what her life would be like thousands of miles away, I was glad. She was happy, and even if I would not be included in any of her future plans, I still wanted the best for her.

I sighed.

Definitely obsessed.

I had penned myself into a novel that had already existed. Even though I was handling it all better than I had been, the depth of my emotion for her still seemed crazy, even to me.

I was torn out of my daydreaming by the buzzing suddenly coming from my pocket. I pulled out my iPhone and stared down at the screen. I still wasn't sure how to use the thing, Jessica insisted that I get a phone, much to the delight of my mother. It was easier for Jessica to call me anytime now, without disturbing the rest of the house. It was a certain relief, as of late, to have the phone. I shuddered as I thought of someone in the house picking up the line while Jessica and I were discussing the purpose for today's visit.

The phone continued to vibrate as "Em" flashed across the large touch screen. I hesitated for a moment before deciding it would be safe to answer. Plus, not answering would lead to questions like "where were you," and "what are you doing?" If I answered now Emmett would probably just assume I was at Jess' anyway.

"Hey Em," I answered.

"Edward, holy shit!"

"Jasper?" I was stunned to hear my best friend's voice. I looked at the screen of the phone again, thinking that I was starting to hallucinate during daylight hours. Nope, its said "Em."

"Yeah, dude, its me…I'm with your brother…oh man…I have some big fucking news to tell you," his voice was hurried and it sounded like he was running somewhere.

"Jasper, where are you? Are you with Emmett?" I was thoroughly confused.

"Okay, yes…with Emmett, we are jumping in his Jeep. Are you at Jessica's? We're coming to get you…"

Crap. Crap. Crap.

"No, er, I'm not at Jessica's. I mean, uh…I'm with Jessica but we're not at her house. Just out shopping…she's in the dressing room trying on clothes."

I hated lying to my best friend, but it was neither the time nor place to get into all the gory details. Plus, I wasn't sure there would even be anything to tell.

"Okay…this shit is pretty heavy, but I guess I can tell you over the phone what I need to tell you…but either way you're going to want us to come get you…I'm serious."

"Just fucking tell him, already Jazz!" Emmett yelled in the background. It was weird to hear Emmett call Jasper by his nickname, but somehow Jessica had been a catalyst in uniting the parts of my world into one strange puzzle. I liked it.

I heard the phone move away from Jasper's face. "I'm getting there, jeez, hold your frackin horses, man!" he yelled back.

"Edward, are you sitting down?"

"Yes, I am…" I raised an eyebrow as my curiosity began to peak.

"Sooooo…I headed over to your house to look for you earlier, forgetting that you are the cool guy with cool cell phone now, and I barely get inside and start talking to Em here when there's a knock on the door…"

"Okay, so you went to my house when I wasn't there, you're a stalker…and this is a big deal because?" I prodded.

"Shut the fuck up, stupid, this is no time for jokes! I'm getting to it!" He huffed, and muttered, "dick."

"Right, so em and I are standing in the living room, all the sudden there is knocking on the door, but like, frantic knocking. Em goes to get the door, but before he can even get there it opens…the person just lets themselves in! And you'll never, not in a million years, guess who it is that comes barging in…." I could hear his voice getting more and more excited as he went on, but I was low on time and patience.

"Nope, probably not, so you better just tell me.." I rattled off.

"Bella, Edward! It was Bella! She comes in the room like a hurricane, asking where you are, what you're doing, when you'll be home. Her face is all tear streaked, make up everywhere, it wasn't pretty man…"

I could feel my fingers burning against the heat of my cell phone. My grip had suddenly gotten so tight around the thing that I was sure I could have broken it as the battery pack heated my skin. Bella…had come looking…for me…for me?

I was dumbstruck. I had no idea what this meant, and I certainly had no idea what to say.

"Edward…are you okay?" Jasper whispered after a few moments of silence.

"Um…yes? No? I'm not really sure right now." I was staring blankly at the ground, my eyes pained with the lack of blinking. My brain had ceased to function properly, and aside from the use of my voice I was seemingly catatonic. I couldn't move, had no inclination to breath.

"There's more, Ed. And I think you better try to relax before I tell you the rest…I know how you can get…"

"Just. Tell. Me."

"Okay…so, Emmett was able to calm her down, ask her if everything was okay. She had…bruises, Edward. She showed us…they were all over her back, her stomach, all the places you wouldn't see in her clothes or uniform. He hit her Edward, and she came looking for you, for you to save her…"

My blood was boiling, and suddenly my body wanted to work in sync with my brain again. I shot up from my seat and stalked out of the office as fast as I could.

I was in the parking lot, but everything was blurred. I was suddenly the axis, and the earth was spinning around me. He had hurt her. He had harmed something so beautiful and pure, tarnished it with his thoughtless hands and disgusting existence. I wanted to kill him, I wanted to make him suffer in any way, shape or form possible. I never wanted to spill another person's blood so badly.

"Edward? Are you there?" Jasper asked quietly.

I was out of my own body then, staring down at myself, yelling at myself to go, to run to where I wanted to be. The part of my soul that I had given to her unknowingly had split from my being and was urging me to following the aching pull of my heart. Suddenly I wanted to run from where I was standing, run to her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to hold her, wanted to kiss every bruise and take care of every wound she had been given, physical or otherwise. But I also wanted to go someplace else…to wherever Mike was. I wanted to drag him out into the street and make a spectacle of his demise. I wanted everyone to witness my position as judge, jury and executioner. My mind was racing and I was unhinging with each passing second.

Jasper's calm voice interrupted the drain circling that my moral standpoint was on.

"Edward, she's okay. She's with your dad at the house, he's taking care of her. Your mom went to find Charlie, I mean, Chief Swan. Really, who would be stupid enough to mess with a girl like that when their father is the chief of fucking police? I am trying to convince Emmett that its not a good idea to go and find Mike Newton. As much as I would love to help beat the snot out of that kid, as I'm sure you are feeling too, it would only make the situation more of a mess. We just have to let the adults handle it."

"I'm a fucking adult, Jasper, and I am going to remove that kid's head from his body and piss into his skull!" Emmett yelled in the background.

"Shut it!" jasper yelled back.

But I was all for the decapitation.

I had never been more torn in my short life. I had to be where I was for Jessica, but I wanted to be there with Bella. I began to pace quickly back and forth, my feet feeling like jack hammers against the asphalt parking lot. Each step felt like a trowel striking the tar blackened surface, as though a crevice would form if I paced back and forth long enough.

I stopped at a frantic stand still and took a deep breath. I had made my decision, and I knew where I belonged.

"Jasper…I want you and Emmett to meet me at…"

"Edward! There you are!" Jessica's voice called out from behind me.

I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I hung up the phone without thinking and shoved it in my pocket. I began to take giant gulps of air, and wiped the sweat that had started to form on my brow. I ran my fingers through my hair, and prayed that what I was feeling wasn't written all over my face. I put on a smile to the best of my ability and turned around to face the girl who had no idea that as I stood there physically, inside I was two men.

"Oh, hey babe…sorry, Jasper called," it was taking every ounce of strength that I had to keep of the façade.

"Its okay," she stood on her tip toes and kissed the bottom of my chin lightly. "I guess its better that you came out here, don't want anybody overhearing anything…"

I pulled her into my arms, holding her tightly, half out of the love I truly felt for her, and half out of the guilt I felt for loving someone else at the same time. I pressed my mouth to the top of her head and sighed into her silken hair; it smelled like apples today, and I nearly felt as though I would cry at the thought of losing such a simple thing as her scent everyday. But there was no way I could have both, no way I could reconcile the two pieces of myself. Life isn't always black and white, but when it comes to certain matters of the heart there was hardly any room for shades of grey on the palette.

"Edward.." she whispered into my chest. She pulled me closer, her arms wrapping around my torso. She tilted her head up to me, her brown eyes piercing right through my own , straight through me. I was afraid for a moment that she would be able to see the torn shreds of my soul if she continued to stare like that, but when I stopped thinking about myself, I saw something else there.

She had only muttered my name, but the very tone of it was dripping with something I couldn't quite put my finger on. But as I stood there, holding her fragile body in my arms, staring into the never ending planes of her brown eyes, gravity felt stronger than it ever had, and I was being squashed to the earth slowly and painfully. I knew. She didn't even need to tell me. Life was about to get very real, more real than I had ever expected it to.

"Edward," she whispered again, her eyes glassy with infant tears, all of them longing to be born of the brown orbs.

"Jessica," I whispered back, my voice shaky.

"Edward…I'm…pregnant."

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_Reviews are like spankings, many are always better than one..._


	9. Show Me What I'm Looking For

**AN**: **_At long last, another update! Sorry about the wait, everyone! Life has finally returned to a somewhat normal state, and I find myself with time to write once again. i just want to say thank you to everyone who has been reading HSE, and thank you to everyone who has reviewed as well. _**

**PS**: _**I still don't own twilight, or any of the characters, but I can make them do what I want sometimes.**_

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There had been previous times in my life, when I had used the term, "I feel like I got hit by a ton of bricks." Now it seemed that I had never really understood the exact meaning of it until this very moment. It was as if I had been living my life up to now as some sort of porcelain doll, and that suddenly I had been dropped by a careless child, smashing to bits against the floor. But it was more than that; I was in a million pieces, yet somehow still whole enough to the feel the pain and confusion wash over me. It came, like a million tiny needles, chiseling away at my very existence. The hot sensation started at the very top of my head and ran all the way down to my toes.

"Edward?" Jessica whispered. I felt the palm of her small hand come to rest on my cheek, and although I knew she was staring at me, my eyes were unable to focus. There were a million screaming voices inside my head, all yelling something in tongues; inaudible, incomprehensible.

Was this what a nervous breakdown felt like?

The degree of normalcy my life had attained through a combination of Jessica's influence and my return to regular doses of xanax was disappearing. It was as if this feeling of regularity had been personified into a ball of dough, and each of the screaming voices within my head was grabbing at it, pulling away a small piece of it for themselves.

"Edward, are you okay? " Jessica asked again, "you're sweating, do you need to sit down?"

Her voice was muffled. I could hear her words, but they sounded how an adult sounded in a Charlie Brown cartoon. I was reeling, perhaps in shock, perhaps losing my mind. I couldn't speak, couldn't move. I was at a loss…for everything. I had the sensation that my mind was made up of thousands of tiny electrical lines, and that suddenly they had all been simultaneously cut. The tiny flailing arms were going every which way, all the while spraying hot sparks against the inside of my skull.

And then everything went dark.

Its amazing, what the human mind will do in order to protect the being its housed in. Solid titanium gates had slammed down, closing me off from the world around me, and although I can't be sure as to whether I was hallucinating or dreaming, suddenly I found myself alone in a white room. The room, as it were, was a perfect cube, trapping me in a self made box of blank canvas. I turned this way and that, but found each wall the same. Yet, every time I attempted to run in any specific direction, the room seemed to stretch out, expanding enough to make the walls infinitely unreachable no matter how I tried. Finally I sat, resigned to the fact that I had perhaps gone mentally insane, and that wherever my body happened to be, I was being placed in one of those nifty jackets that allowed one to hug themselves. I sighed, wondering how long it would be until this dream or hallucination would end, and began to trace circles on the white floor with my fingers. As I did this, the pattern appeared, my fingers somehow drawing as a pen would. I held up my hand in fright and stared at my index finger for an insurmountable amount of time. I inspected it thoroughly and found no source of the black ink. I touched my finger to the ground again, and once more, the same effect. I got on my knees and began to scribble with my finger, I began to write. I found my conscious to be free flowing, my hand seeming to move without me controlling it. Without skipping a beat, I decided that it would be fun to draw a straight line, heading towards one of the moving walls, just to see how long I could go before I got bored with it. Though, when I got closer to the wall, I found that it didn't move. I ran my finger against the ground, to the place where the floor met the wall, and then up the wall until I was standing on my feet, reaching as high as I could.

Once I had reached the highest point physically possible I stood back and stared at line, unsure of what it meant. My eyes traced it back and forth for quite sometime, expecting something to happen. That's the definition of insanity though, isn't it? Doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results. Makes sense, I guess. I stopped finally, focusing at the highest point, and stood staring at the pinnacle.

"Ahem," I heard from beside me. The sheer noise had nearly sent me out of my proverbial hallucination skin, bit I immediately recognized the sound of it. I turned, to find myself face to face with…myself.

Well, it was me, but I looked…happy. I was a bit heavier, there wasn't a trace of the usual dark circles that underlined my eyes, and I was sharply dressed. The me I was controlling was confused, the me I was looking at seemed amused.

"Don't worry, you're not going insane, you've already been there for quite sometime," the happy me chuckled.

"Nice." I answered back.

"Well, you were wondering. You were quite clearly thinking that you had lost your mind, that you were being locked up in a padded cell with a nice straightjacket as we speak, weren't you?"

"I was."

"Well," the happy me clapped his hands together, "don't worry, you were just experiencing a slight nervous breakdown, and you passed out, simple as that."

"Makes sense," I answered.

"Of course it does. You'll wake up at any moment now, and all of this will just be a lingering, foggy memory." He threw up his arms and motioned around the room.

"But just exactly what is 'this' anyway," I asked.

"Can you not see what you've done?" He asked, pointing to where I had been writing on the floor, his hand then moving, following the path of the line I had drawn.

I stared at him. This other me was clearly crazier than I was. That didn't make much sense though, seeing as how he was me. Despite that, or in spite of it, I ventured forth.

"Uh, I drew a line, I'm not really sure what that's supposed to signify," I shrugged.

He sighed and turned on his heel, he motioned for me to follow, so I did.

He stopped where my scrawling was and pointed to the floor. "Look at what you've written, and look where you began your line."

I stared down at the floor in amazement. The line had been started at the dead center of the floor; on one side, in large perfect script were the words "Nosce Te Ipsum," everything written beneath those words pertained to Bella. On the other side of the line, chaos. Sentences were running into each other, overlapping, illegible in most cases. I didn't recall making such a mess. Everything I had written on the one side appeared to be a random thought, there was no connection, just rambling.

"Know thyself," happy me muttered.

"Nosce te ipsum, indeed," I answered.

"Do you understand?"

"I don't think I understand anything anymore," I shook my head and sat down, still focusing on the floor.

"She," he pointed to Bella's side of the line, "is what makes sense for your life."

"Well," I shouted angrily at myself, "That's all well and good, but what the fuck am I supposed to do about it."

"If all things in time, then time will reveal," He offered.

"Helpful, real helpful," I was agitated. This happy me was completely useless. I was sick of emotions, of riddles, of puzzles, of guessing. I was sick of shitty situations, of life in general.

"There is a world that exists, and its much bigger than you and your miniscule problems, you know," he sighed, as he joined me on the floor.

"They don't feel miniscule to me, and if you're me, then they shouldn't feel miniscule to you, either," I retorted. "I mean, I'm 17, how in the hell am I supposed to be a father? Should we even keep the baby? Who do we tell? Do I marry Jessica? How can I when in my heart of hearts I want somebody else. But maybe I don't want somebody else, maybe my love for Bella is just a sick delusion, just like all of this," I waved my hand around, showcasing the absurd room where we sat.

The happier me though for a moment. "There are no coincidences in the universe, everything happens for a reason. The things we see as obstacles, well, they aren't always as they appear to be. The first step, however, to figuring out any of this, is to ask yourself what you want, and be truthful in your answers."

"That's easier said than done," I snorted.

"How so, " he asked.

"I could tell you, myself, what I want, but there are circumstances here that involve other people. I can't just go around imposing my will on others."

"No, you can't, but if you at least approach each situation armed with the idea of what you want out of it, then maybe the outcome will be different then you think," he offered.

"Or maybe every situation will just end up being a bigger mess than it was," I answered.

"You can't always assume the worst, its always better to speak your mind and hope for the best. Plus, you know what happens when you assume?" He raised an eyebrow.

I laughed lightly, "right, you make an ass out of you and me."

We sat for a few moments, chuckling at each other, chuckling at myself, until another familiar voice came from somewhere distant.

"Edward?" The voice called. It was the voice of Esme, my mother. "Get your father, I think he's waking up!"

There was the soft sound of scuffling, and the white room around me began to darken.

Happier me got up from the floor and turned on his heel, heading into the approaching darkness.

"But what do I do?" I called out to him.

There was no answer.

And darkness engulfed me again.

Something was in my nose, and it was bugging the hell out of me. I reached for my face, but found my hand restrained by some unknown force. I opened my eyes, and though I was disoriented for a few seconds, I soon recognized my surroundings. The tiled ceiling, the bland colors, a television suspended from the ceiling in the far corner of the room. I was in the hospital. The restraint I had felt was none other than Em's hand, attempting to keep me from removing the oxygen feed in my nose.

"Mom, Dad, he's awake," he called over his shoulder, gently releasing my hand at the same time.

Soon a small crowd was gathered around me, my mother and father, Em, Jazz, even Rosalie, which was a complete surprise. As I looked at each of the faces of those around me, I noticed that one in particular was absent. Perhaps more than one, but at least the one I expected to be at my side.

"Where's Jessica?" I hardly recognized my own voice, it was rough, yet weak.

No one answered. Everyone in the room exchanged glances, but no one would look at me.

"Well?" I asked.

Still, the gallery remained silent.

Finally, it was Emmett that piped up, "Um, why don't you guys all step outside, I think I need to talk to Edward."

My parents immediately began to object, stating that I wasn't up to it, saying that I needed to rest, but Emmett held up his hands.

"Enough!" He yelled, "Edward has been treated like an egg shell since we were kids, and what good has it done him?"

"Emmett," my father began softly, "He needs to know, you're right."

What the fuck was everyone going on about? Here they all were, talking about me like I wasn't in the room, about something they all apparently knew about but I didn't.

"Thanks, Dad," Emmett replied, "now all of you….out."

He stood at the end of the bed, waiting for them all to exit and then shut the door. He sat down in the armchair next to my bed and scooted it as close as possible.

"how are you feeling?" He asked.

I stopped for a moment, to take an inventory of myself. I couldn't feel any pain, my head was a mess, but that was nothing unusual.

"I'm okay…but…what happened?"

His face twisted and his brow furrowed, "I'm not really sure where to begin…how to answer…" He thought for a few moments and then began, "I know where you were."

I gulped.

"Okay, that was the wrong way to start this."

Apparently my response had registered.

He sighed and began again, "When Jasper called you from my phone, he was only able to give you part of the story. If I had known where you were, what you were doing, I would have made sure that you knew everything."

"I'm not following," I confessed.

"Edward, when Bella came to the house, I asked her what had happened. Yes, she told me about what Mike did to her, but she also told me why."

"He's a fucking psycho, simple as that!" I cried.

Emmett glanced at the door, waiting for my parents to come rushing in, but thankfully no one appeared to have heard my outburst.

"Shhh, calm down, Ed. Its okay, I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I'm not saying he had a good reason or any shit like that, not by any means, you know I always show the utmost respect to the ladies. I would never in a million years! But what I am trying to tell you is exactly what lead to what he did."

He stopped for a few moments, still trying to gather up his thoughts after my outburst.

"Bella was waiting for Mike outside of the boy's locker room today, waiting for him to get done with practice. Two of the guys on the team come strolling out and don't notice her there, but she hears what they're talking about. The guys are laughing, talking about how they can't believe that Mike Newton, dumb as a box of rocks, managed to not only have Bella as his girl, but to also have a chick on the side."

"He was cheating on her?" I asked in disbelief. I could feel my blood starting to heat.

"There's more," he patted my hand lightly, "just take a deep breath, and relax, please."

I nodded and took a few deep breaths. I needed to hear what Em had to say. I motioned for him to go on.

"So she's in shock already after hearing this, but then one of the guys says that he can't believe that Mike knocked up the other girl."

He stared at me, waiting for some sort of response. I remembered then, that he had known where I had been, what I had been doing. I didn't care about that, though. More than anything, I hated the fact that as much as I wanted to destroy Mike Newton, we now shared a common bond. Maybe I was afraid to admit any guilt on my part until it was absolutely necessary, so instead I offered an obvious response, "he's a fucking dog, even more reason to piss in his skull."

Emmett didn't smile, as I thought he might, "there's more," was his reply.

"So Bella waits for him, and acts as if nothing has changed, until they get back to his place. She confronts him with the information, and the son of a bitch admits to her that its true. She said that he acted like it was no big deal. She asked him who the other girl was, the one he got pregnant, and he tells her that, too. He sits there acting like he's the fucking man! Of course, she's upset, she tells him that its over and tries to leave. All the sudden, he flips. He tells her that she's not going anywhere until he gets what he wants from her, too."

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I closed my eyes.

"Please, Em, don't tell me…"

There was silence in the room, until I heard Emmett sniff. I opened my eyes and the found his face in a state which I had only seen once or twice before in my life. His eyes were glassy, and a trail, most definitely left by a recent tear marked his right cheek.

"He did Edward, he raped her…and then he beat her," his head fell in his hands for a moment, which was just enough time for me to rip the oxygen feed from my nose and jump from my bed.

I spotted my clothes in a pile across the room and lunged for them, but Emmett was quicker. He grabbed me and pulled me back to the bed. I writhed under his grip, and cursed his name as tears began to form in my own eyes.

"Edward, please!" He cried softly, "She's okay now, she's downstairs in another room, and she's okay. Her father, the rest of the police, they've already been here. She pressed charges, its over for him, he's going to be arrested, he'll go to jail for what he's done."

"Its not enough!" I cried.

"Edward," he said calmly, "if you fly off the handle, if you do something stupid, where will that get you? She needs you now, and you can't be there for her if you're in jail, too."

"I can make it look like an accident, I've seen a lot of episodes of Law & Order and CSI," it sounded like a joke, but I was partly serious.

Emmett frowned at me, "Edward…"

"Well what the fuck do you want me to say!" I screamed, not caring who heard, "you know where I was today, you know what the fuck is going on in my life! How can I be there for Bella, how can I save her, how can we save each other, with the situation I'm in? I'm five different people on any given day, I'm fucked up and I fucked up. I can't fix anything, I can't be of help to anyone, I can't even take care of myself. Look what happened to me today, something big happens and I shut the fuck down. I'm fucking 6's and 7's, Emmett!"

The door to the room opened and shut suddenly, and Emmett and I suddenly found ourselves joined by Rosalie.

"I convinced Mom and Dad to say out," she said to both of us.

"Thanks," Emmett answered.

Rosalie moved slowly across the room and took Emmett's previous seat. I wasn't sure to expect from her, and I was completely caught of guard when she took my hand in hers.

"Edward," she said softly, "I know that I haven't always been the nicest person to you, and I'm sorry for it. I don't need you to forgive me now, or even except my apology, but you need to know, you're life can be what you want it to be."

"Um…thank you for the obtuse advice, but I'm not really sure what to do with it," was all I could say. I was numb, partly still do to the fact that my brain was still processing what Emmett had told me. My beautiful Bella, how could I ever be enough after what had happened to her. She would need someone strong, someone I didn't think I could ever be.

She rolled her eyes and turned to Emmett, "You really should have told him that part right off the bat."

"It wouldn't have made sense, I was trying to tell the story in chronological order, it seemed more logical to me," he replied.

"What the hell are you two fucking talking about?" I asked, after realizing that the discussion had been continuing without me.

"Edward, how do I say this," Rosalie paused for a moment, "the other girl that Mike was sleeping with, the one he got pregnant…was…Jessica."


End file.
